Eli in Wonderland

Just about one year ago I was pulling weeds in the garden out front of Casablanca and I looked over at the elongated white wall beneath the kitchen windows and I said to myself--- “ah ha! I'm going to paint a mural there!” I had no idea what the fuck I wanted to paint-- I just knew it was going to be nature themed and I wanted it to add to the beauty of the garden. I had never painted a mural before let alone a large canvas, only a couple small sculptures since being at TierraMitica. I raised my hand that night at our community table and requested that wall to paint--- the community agreed, it was MINE! Wow, now what?

It took me about another month or so (likely longer) to get up enough courage to press a brush to the surface of the wall. Well to be honest, it actually took the break-up of the marriage of Jackie and I (the beginning of July 2017)-- so much of me rattled up and swirling around I didn't give a fuck and just went for it! It took about one full day to get the background of the scene on the wall-- It was the four seasons starting with Autumn on the left moving into Winter, Spring and Summer on the very right. My inspiration at the time was “Embracing Change”-- symbolically wanting to show myself that death or change in life--like the seasons (or the end of a relationship) was not a bad thing or something to fear, it actually brought great beauty and new life. The Casablanca garden by that time had already become the Alice and Wonderland garden adorned with a Cheshire Cat laying among purple flowers , the White Rabbit, the Caterpillar chilling with a hookah, a large teacup potted with yellow flowers and a few others--my idea for the painting was that Alice would be standing in the winter scene where she had been for so long, closed and in hibernation and she would be moving into Spring--flowers, beautiful roses growing under her dress and fun animals and life all around her, vibrancy awaiting her after the long winter. 

The base of the background is done! Taking a moment with The Happy Helper

The first version of Alice that I painted was the cartoon version from the original Disney film-- she felt too fake, and frankly just looked shocked and scared—no good. I attempted to paint the roses beneath her skirt-- the first version turned into shit/vomit piles of dark blue and what I intended to be red which actually turned into brown. I wanted to rush through these symbolic roses of beauty underneath and within me--- I just saw them as shit piles, feminine beauty inside of me? Ha! Yeah, right!

First Version of Cartoon Alice with the second version of the roses on the way

I decided to go for a more realistic human vibe for the next version of Alice, mind you and I had never painted a human face in my life, minus maybe a Picasso style self portrait in Grade 1. I gave it a few go's, all the while hearing all the mixed and many comments coming from the TierraMitican's as they passed by Casablanca during the day-- some days I very much regretted choosing to paint a mural in one of the most trafficked spots in TierraMitica, haha!

Alice #1 looks like she got her nose bashed in a few times

Alice #2 With a Cleft Lip

Alice #3 No longer a cleft lip and she got a nose job

Despite the variant reviews from the TierraMitican's I had one consistent fan-- Happy! Happy was our new rottweiler puppy who was beyond ecstatic that I was painting a mural outside... she found it great fun putting her paws in the paint and running around, slurping up the different colours and creating rainbow puppy vomit murals in the grass (she learned fast not to do that anymore), and plopping down in my lap no matter what position I was in in front of that wall. She continued to stay by my side through the entire process-- no matter how large she became she always wanted to be there and couldn't get close enough to me or the wall-- rubbing herself against the freshly painted scenes.

My biggest fan! --Those Eyes Though...

One day during the early weeks of Jackie and I's break-up I sat in front of Alice with my paint brush with the deep and dark desire to slit Alice's painted throat, to bash my fists against her face, to kill this scared little girl that stood in the snow in front of me. I cried and felt rage boiling inside of me. Realizing more everyday how this paining was a reflection of my life. Alice was undeniably my little girl inside, my Little Lizzy and I didn't want to feel her at all I just wanted to hurt her. My little girl was scared, stagnant, totally afraid to let go of everything and dream of the vibrancy in her life ahead. I looked down to my lap, the pup Happy sprawled out, snoozing with no worries in the world—Okay, breathe Eli, What's your priority-- Yes, to be Happy. Okay-- keep painting.

The constant reminder of what my priority is: To be Happy!

It was around this time during the mural that I attended my second Mythic Voyage which you can read about HERE. There I found many things including my MAN and I fell madly in love! Whoa! I felt more inspired to continue the mural after that. I worked on Alice's face--- still unable to completely erase the fear from her eyes. I added cute little animals, an owl, hummingbird, and two deer kissing among the field flowers symbolizing my new man (Damien) and I. I changed the variation of the flowers in the Spring and summer numerous times from more Roses, to Lupins and Poppies to Black Eyed Susan's and Forget-Me-Not's and Daises-- unable to fully feel alive or inspired looking at this painting. I was able to add little tidbits here and there but unable to change the painting itself – It felt as if something was always missing and just felt well, off-- and to be honest, I just felt like shit looking at this painting, it didn't make me feel good at all.

Alice #4 has gone total glamour queen

Happy hangs out with her new painted friends

Alice #5 Less Glam but still scared

I soon fell out of touch with the painting-- using the hours I spent everyday last fall working down on the giant sculpture “La Mente” as an excuse to avoid Alice. To avoid feeling my little girl-- I was in total “go” and avoid the painting mode.

Jump ahead 4.5 months later. Damien and I have been married for about three months now and the mural had totally fallen off my To-Do List but definitely not off my energy body. I would walk by that mural EVERYDAY! Sometimes 5-6 times a day, and even if I didn't register it consciously my subconscious would absolutely see and feel it. This unfinished demented mural was dragging me down whether I knew it or not, Alice-- my little girl inside was screaming for me to see her!

One day I asked Mikis what he thought about the painting because I felt the desire to completely start from scratch, to white wash the wall and I wanted to make sure I wasn't completely insane before I did the act. Mikis told me how he felt--- he said the painting totally freaked him out and he felt there was a huge paradox-- first of all, snow in the jungle? Second of all, the symbolism was completely off, in the painting I had created Alice was actually STUCK in the winter, she was scared of the flowers and was back in Canada with the four seasons-- not embracing change and life of the jungle. Okay Eli-- trust your gut and white wash that bitch!

Happy is there for the white wash of the wall!

It took about 3.5 layers of white paint to cover the scene below enough so I couldn't make out the scared little Alice eyes poking out and staring at me as I attempted to feel the next scene. All I knew for the next scene was that Alice was FIRST, she was in the jungle with her friends and family, it was going to be colourful, ALIVE, and FUN!! I needed to stop taking myself so seriously, to let go and be in the moment, to belong to this beautiful jungle paradise and family, to feel the fun and aliveness that was so innate to my little girl. There was a point in my childhood and adolescence that I became the serious, smart, responsible and athletic one and lost the creative flowing playful child. Throughout my life I still played games, I played sports... I played drinking games... but I did not PLAY. I lost that giddy spark and undeniable bubble of what feels like endless energy that surges up from your guts into your heart and through your entire body when you want to... no, you NEED to just let loose and PLAY--- to dance, to jump, to skip to laugh till you pee your pants! Damien would poke this button asking me “Why do you have to be so serious all the time?”-- Damn, I thought I HAD loosened up.

I started with Alice- I used pictures of me as a little girl as reference, really trying to harness my little Lizzy, not avoiding the reality that the girl in this painting was ME! I stopped calling her Alice and referred to her as Eli in Wonderland or Little Lizzy. It took about one day to paint up the new Eli. I was SUPER proud of what I painted compared to the last version--- feeling life in her eyes and my essence at her core. I avoided the painting for a few days after that--- feeling proud of the new direction I became scared... my greatness becoming more tangible with the completion of this painting in my foresight. I pushed forward and continued onto other pieces of the painting-- one day Niloufar come to me and expressed that the little girls face felt too tight and not relaxed enough, not expressing trust and fun at all and she suggested I go back to her before continuing on with the rest of the painting-- I got super poked and irritated--- feeling the tightness in the girls face, unable to fully open and relax. I went back to the face regardless of the time crunch I felt (I agreed to finish the painting before the May 2018 Mythic Voyage or else it would be whitewashed, again!) which gave me about just under one week to go. Instead of using a picture of me as a little girl I used a picture I got off Google of a beautiful little girl smiling super big with big cheeks and dimples, I changed the painting--- with the new smile I didn't feel myself in her at all, Fuck! I then changed her again using a picture of me, back to Little Lizzy just with a more relaxed open smile... aaaaah--- there we go! Trust in your little girl Eli... She's more than enough.

Little Busy Lizzy--Me as a kid with a broken ankle taking a bath in the sink

The beginnings of Eli in Wonderland with happy by my side

Little Lizzy is coming to Life! Eli in Wonderland #1

Happy has gotten a wee bit larger since last time around

Happy always lays right in front of Alice ...and now little Lizzy

Eli in Wonderland #2

I began splashing on paint at a rapid pace feeling super inspired that I had little Lizzy there in the middle –layering on jungle foliage and ready to infuse the jungle into the Characters of the Alice and Wonderland story, my jungle family! I didn't listen to any voices inside that told me I couldn't paint or that the wall was too huge--- I just did it! Each layer feeling the scene coming together more and more. It took me only a day to paint all the animal characters! I “junglefied” the Characters from the story: The Cheshire Cat a Jaguar, The White Rabbit a Sloth, the Caterpillar a Blue Morpho Butterfly, the Queen of Hearts a Serpent, The Mad Hatter a Monkey sipping tea (the same tea cup I sculpted for the garden) and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum two twin Parrots. I had SO MUCH FUN bringing life to these characters. As soon as I saw the monkey alive I laughed and smiled and called over to others passing by to feel the fun and cuteness of this creature hanging from the tree sipping a cup of steaming tea, when I was done Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum I took a picture and ran into the kitchen to show Jackie who was cooking dinner. I took the emergency lights out to finish the other animals that night in the dark-- how much fun!!! bringing these silly looking animals to life and giving them human qualities, the sloth is holding a freaking pocket watch! Haha-- how silly! My inner child was LOVVVVVVVING IT!!!! The paint brush was moving at lightening speed--- I wanted to paint something and it just happened!!! No mind fucks.. I just painted like a had been painting everyday of my life. It took only about an hour for me to finish the monkey and the sloth?! WTF-- when can I paint this fast?! I can paint this fast and amazingly when I'm having fun! It's easy because I am choosing it to be easy... simple? Yes! True? Absolutely. I was in the FLOW!

Night lights are out--and surprise, so is happy!

The next day I finished the surrounding flowers... by the end of the night Damien was helping me paint in the final layer of the white border--- I started to mind fuck about the pink hibiscus and the dark centers... I kept “fucking them up” and started obsessing over the fact that I couldn't make them fade naturally enough. He just looked at me and laughed and made some comment about how far I've come and look what I've painted and I'm mind fucking about THAT … NOW?! It was literally the last object on the painting I needed to complete the last layer of paint on--- My body and mind did NOT want to believe that I was almost done this painting and it was actually good, it was better than good! It was fucking awesome, fun and made me Happy when I looked at it AND it made others Happy too!!! My body was trying to drag me down and go into SERIOUS anxiety, I tossed and turn all night thinking of all the little details I could add..... These details could literally go on forever and the painting would never finish--- It's enough when I choose it to be enough!!!

I woke up early the next day and spent about two hours cleaning the wooden beams around the painting and scrubbing the cement below which was splattered with paint. I needed to finish every detail right. To symbolically show myself this is done, and done with Pride. I looked at the painting and it was beautiful! Little smiley Eli in Wonderland holding the Blue Morpho butterfly of transformation-- her beautiful Happy jungle family smiling and playing all around her with vibrant jungle leaves and dancing flowers. My heart felt alive and playfulness lit up every cell. I painted “Eli” on the bottom left corner and dotted the “i” with a heart. I always had resistance initialing my art... refusing to feel the Pride from it. This one wasn't getting away! I get to see this painting everyday-- how awesome to have that reminder to let go and have fun, to connect with your inner child, everything becoming so simple and easy when you're having fun! It filled my heart to hear my family passing the painting and hearing how Happy it made them and how much they loved it!

The final photo-- Happy coming barreling around the corner to get into the shot!

The Cheshire Jaguar and Sloth (as the white rabbit, who is actually on time!)

Eli in wonderland

The Queen of Hearts as a Serpent and the Caterpillar as a Blue morpho of transformation

The Mad Hatter Monkey Sipping a cup of steaming tea and the twin parrots tweedled dee and tweedled dum

You can never fail-- you can only quit! It may have been close to a year since the first brush stroke hit that white wall but I did not quit! This painting is a success because I kept going and dug deeper and found the FUN! I found my little girl inside and she's so cute and irresistible, full of endless energy and light. Just yesterday Damien and I took the pup Happy (she is one year old now...and HUGE!) out for a run, we were walking down from the front gate all sweaty and high off of jungle air and endorphins-- Damien playing with Happy who was still super energetic, tossing a stick, me giddy and giggling at the sight and totally in love. A sweet and beautiful moment of realization of how far I have come in this last year since the beginning of that mural and feeling super grateful. We absolutely create our own reality—and I was in this very moment, and as long as I choose, walking and living in my own Wonderland, full of fun and love, Damien took me in his strong arms, pulled me in against his hard sweaty body and gave me several warm and wet kisses. We walked back home hand in hand, Happy trotting ahead, my heart bursting---Bliss!

A big shout out to our pup Happy for being my constant confidant through this process and always being that slobbery reminder that absolutely everything is deliciously as it should be! Thank-you to Damien for helping me find the fun AND thank-you to ME for not giving up in life and love... and for learning to paint along the way! You rock, Eli in Wonderland! Xo

ME and my jungle king

My happy jungle family

signing off with pride!