My Mythic Journey Through A Choice OS Workshop

Just over two months ago I was picked up early in the morning at a train station in LA by Benji and Brielle, two of the hosts from the Choice OS workshop that I was on my way to. After a four hour drive together with six other people, who after this experience would be some of my new close friends, we arrive at a place in the middle of the desert of Joshua Tree, where I was about to spend twelve intense and emotional days together with twelve other participants. I can´t say I wasn’t nervous, but in a good way as I had looked forward to the experience. At the same time, there was skepticism about what the workshop promised to deliver in such a short time. It sounded a little too good to be true in my ears, but I felt I had nothing to lose in giving it a chance. It may sound strange to try a course just because, but it wasn’t like that. I came across this workshop through my boyfriend Metsa, a mysterious and artistic man I got to know in a small café in Stockholm about three years ago. He told me about his life in the jungle in Peru and the center he worked at and lived when he was not visiting Sweden. When our friendship relationship developed into a romantic story a year ago on one of his Swedish visits, we ended up discussing the future and our possibilities to continue to be together. He had a direction and passion in life and had made a decision and commitment to settle in TierraMitica in Peru to work on the life-changing work they do for other people through the Choice OS workshop and for the ability to keep working with his art. The only possibility for us to be together was if I made the choice to come to him in Peru. I had a strong feeling that this was a life choice that I would always regret if I had said no, although it took a while of uncertainty and hesitation before I said yes. So, for me to fully get to know and understand the philosophy of TierraMitica (and also my man) I had to complete a Choice OS Mythic Voyage.

In one way my workshop started four months before the actual workshop when I made the decision to follow a man, choose what he has chosen and most importantly trust him. For me this was kind of new. Since I was a teenager, I have been a stubborn girl, working to be as independent as possible and never having to feel dependent on anybody else. I had issues with trusting other people; I did not trust them to be there for me no matter what and I didn´t trust that they loved me. I was insecure about my self and my body and what other people would think of me.

Me at Age 6

Since early in my childhood I would get depressions for long periods of time. I could be super happy and flying high and a moment later crash and stay in depression and anxiety for months. In past relationships my issues with trust and insecurity would cause me to be very jealous and go into controlling everything. I thought I was the best girlfriend ever, but really I was constantly rejecting every boyfriend I had. I was with my ex boyfriend for eight years, and when we broke up I put all the blame on him. Never taking responsibility of my half of the relationship, and unable to trust anyone other then myself.

So I learned to manage on my own, never ask for help and never to expect it. But I felt lonely because I pushed people away. Lonely because I did not trust anyone, lonely because I could not be completely open to anyone, lonely because I could not express the desire and need for love, lonely because I refused to let someone else make a decision for me and lonely because I wanted to be independent at any costs. So at the time of my registration for the workshop, I was struggling between feeling like this was something I wanted for myself, or something I had to do in order to be with the man I loved. Although Metsa was the initial reason for me to go to the workshop, the time leading up to the workshop I started really feeling how beneficial this experience was going to be for me.

My issues with self worth and believing that I deserve love were brought into the light in the first few days of the workshop. Always thinking that my shit doesn’t smell because it´s other people that are not reliable, the experience of revealing my paradoxes caused me an initial feeling of shame when the “ugly” sides of me were exposed. Even though I know that I’m human like everyone else, I could not see that I too have been unreliable BECAUSE I had a closed heart. The day comes when my relationship with Metsa is put on trial. At this point it feels like my brain and my heart are going on high speed like never before. I did not know what my true feelings were and what choices I would make. At one point I show everyone in the workshop, including Metsa, that I'm not willing to give up my independence for him and that I do not truly choose him. During a break in the workshop I told Mikis that I do want Metsa but that I’m scared that he wont feel what MY desires are if I chose him and give up my freedom to decide for myself. Mikis brings Metsa in after the break. Being in emotional imbalance already I am given the chance to explain my feelings and what I want in my life to Metsa. In my world I’m pouring my heart out, but something happens that I don’t fully understand. Metsa is not feeling me at all and I didn’t understand why. Mikis was telling me that the things I wanted did not align with the things Metsa wanted for his life. I froze, and couldn’t say anything. At that point, sitting opposite to Metsa, I saw how my absence of words shattered him and then Metsa is sent out of the workshop. It felt like a slow motion movie and I got cold inside, closing my heart so I wouldn´t feel sad and guilty that I just lost the one I'm in love with. The person that’s the very reason I'm even in the desert in California with a crazy, fat and bald Greek, which at that moment caused me to lose my balance and control.

After another night without sleep and weighing choices back and forth, I found that the best thing for me and Metsa is that he finds someone else who is not in emotional imbalance, someone who is in a better state and not as fucked up as me. It was easier this way. Before I get up in the morning, I squeeze the love rock I received from him on Valentine's Day and think to myself that the greatest act of love is to let him go.

The Love Rock

At the same time there is a feeling that whatever happens everything will be ok. When it's my turn to speak during the workshop, I announce I´ve decided to end the relationship with Metsa. Mikis asks me to explain and elaborate why I had made that decision. He shows me pretty quickly my paradox to which I'm blind to. The paradox that I do not think I'm worth being loved. I break down and feel miserable. I can´t take it any more. I ask Mikis for help because I do not want this paradox to rule me like this anymore. I didn´t know I had asked for an ayahuasca ceremony (without ayahuasca). Mikis asks me to sit comfortably in one of the armchairs and gives me instructions on how to ask Grandmother Ayahuasca for help. I close my eyes and ask questions out loud, answering in the same way. It feels strange and I do not understand how this will help me. I fail several times, where Mikis says I´m not speaking my truth. I am getting frustrated and confused, the tears are running and I feel stuck, but he helps me with the questions. Then comes the question if I'm willing to let go of my independence and control for Metsa. I feel my button has been pushed and with no control ALL my anger is released. I scream, I scream and scream and scream. My body turns itself and my arms twists around me, trying to prevent something that is moving within me. There is no longer any control, I am showing all my anger and sorrow open from a depth that feels bottomless. In me anger, sadness and disappointment rises from my inner little girl who never felt seen, who didn´t feel loved, or safe, who didn´t learn to show and ask for love, who ended up not trusting anyone and who closed her heart and became lonely. I end up on the ground in the gravel and my screams turns into crying. Mikis continues to guide me and show me a lonely future, would I choose to continue to live my life as I´ve lived it up until now. My heart is breaking for my inner child, how could I deny her a life with love and belonging?

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being independent, but the question is which price you are willing to pay for it. Because everything is about choice, and what you choose comes with an emotional price and consequence. And the choice I made after my ceremony and workshop made it possible for me to write this from the high jungle of northern Peru with a beautiful view of the mountains spending time with the man I can finally call mine. I realized that my need for control and independence was not worth the price I had paid all these years, and that I longed to feel trust and belonging with the one I chose to live with. No matter what, I want a mythical, magical and adventurous love story, and I'm living it right now.

Attending the Choice OS Mythic voyage was the best gift I have ever given myself. What is life if not an adventure waiting to be lived?

Just After the workshop with some of my new Argonaut Family

Hardcore Jungle Woman!

High Jungle Love