Freedom is letting go

I don’t even know where to begin with this blog post, so I will start at the beginning. My whole inner and exterior world has shifted, flipped inside out, turned upside down and around in the last month, and i’m writing my story to not only connect the world and my loved ones with the current location and events of my life, but also as confirmation of my choices, as writing has always helped move things inside and make things clearer. Going through the process I just did, many people from my life have surfaced in my thoughts and dreams, and I truly believe many will feel connected and be able to relate in many ways to my story. So….here goes nothing!

My name is Jaclyn Renee Wilchuck, and I was born on May 31st, 1988 in Saskatoon , Saskatchewan, the prairies of Canada. I was a brown eyed, curly haired beauty, always wanting to be around people, and was Daddy’s little girl. I had a very good childhood growing up on Emerald court, extremely loving parents, older sister and brother to annoy, and friends all around. My Dad was my hero, I remember feeling so safe when he was around, and always wanting to go where he went. To me he was the strongest man in the world! When I was very young he started to change, he developed Depression and Bipolarism, and I remember walking on eggshells around him. Wanting to still be close to him, I built armour, a wall to protect myself so I didn’t have to be vulnerable with him. I started to change, wanted to be like him, and this is how little Jackie turned into a tomboy.

I had my first crush on a boy is grade 6, his name was Deniz, and he was the most mature and masculine (well, as masculine as a boy can be in grade 6) out of all the guys. I was no flower to look at by this point, always wearing my hair in tight slicked back pony tails, glasses, baggy t-shirts and pants, pretty much guaranteeing no one would be attracted to me. I remember Ashley moving to St. Bernard Elementary that year, the red headed bombshell that all the girls instantly got jealous of, and all the guys went crazy for, including Deniz. Here comes the switch…this is when I created the belief that I would never be chosen by a guy, that I was undesirable to them, more armour was built, and Ashley also became the focus of my attention.

The years went by, the belief that I was a Lesbian becoming stronger and stronger, as more and more armour and walls are built around me. Still having crushes on guys here and there throughout high school that I kept under lock and key deep inside of me. Still I remember feeling butterflies and excited inside when I would get attention from a guy, but brushed this aside and women became the main object of my attraction. I finally got myself my first girlfriend in grade 12, came out of the closet to my family and friends, and that was that, I was a Lesbian.

From my first girlfriend at 17, I made sure to never be alone again. Jumping from one long-term relationship to the next, with only a few sloppy, drunken months between each. I thought I was the “strong” one in these relationships, and although I didn’t understand polarization of the masculine and feminine back then, I always felt like the protector, holding them in my arms, wanting to keep my woman safe. But I was also confused at the same time, as deep down I also wanted to be held, to be told that everything was going to be alright, but then would shut these feelings and thoughts out just as quickly as they would arise. I had one girlfriend named Jahda, she was super strong, the tomboy hockey playing carpenter, and it was the only time I can remember allowing someone to hold me where I actually let go and felt safe. Of course I realize all this looking back now, but at the time I was oblivious to roles in a relationship.

I was the life of the party on outside, happy-go-lucky Jackie, but on the inside, an empty shell. I filled my life with travel, partying, serving job after serving job, and based my happiness and self worth on social acceptance and others sexual attraction to me. I kept up the façade that I was the most confident and happy person around, while really on the inside I was extremely self-conscious, Bulimic for many years on and off, lost, and drowning myself in alcohol to make sure I never had to feel or do a thing with my life. All I was, was the life of the party.

Many years and failed relationships later, I ended up in Vancouver, BC, west coast of Canada. At the age of 27, serving in 2 pubs and saving for the generic spiritual self-discovery trip to Nepal and India to “find myself”. Still making sure I never have to spend anytime alone, two swipes right on Tinder 2 months before I depart for the yogic lands, I meet my Eli. I of course can only handle being away from this special lady for 4 months to the day (when my trip was originally planned for 8-12), and I book a ticket back to Vancouver to sweep her off her feet. Like typical Lesbian behaviour, after spending a week in a private cottage on Salt Spring Island, we cancel her next months apartment lease on our last night at the cabin, and Uhaul (Lesbian term for renting a moving truck and moving in together basically after the first date) into our own little downtown Vancouver, West End character apartment 2 blocks from the ocean, where we built our own little world for a year. I took on the feminine role in our relationship without even being aware of it, making our home a home, and Eli’s cool, calm, and collected demeanour made me feel safe. She was the mountain, and I was the stream flowing through it.

Eli decided she wanted to take a leave from her highly demanding job as an HIV Outreach Nurse and get Yoga teacher certified. She found Yoga training in Peru, and it just so happened that that was the next travel destination I fancied, as I had wanted to try the psychotropic Ayahuasca in the jungle for many years. Eli had tried Ayahuasca in Canada, but was also interested in more ceremonies, and it just so happened we both stumbled upon the Tierra Mitica site separately, were both interested in their volunteering program, and we took it as a sign that this was the centre for us to attend. Little did we know at the time that we would not just be meeting the Grandmother Ayahuasca, but also Mikis, the Big Fat Bald Greek whom guides the workshops, and that signing up for the Mythic Voyage (a two week intensive life transformational workshop with the use of Ayahuasca) would forever change us and the course of our lives.

Eli and I were in Peru for 2 months before our workshop at Tierra Mitica commenced. One week before our Mythic Voyage, after a week-long trek through the Andes, we arrived at Machu Picchu. Barely through the gates to the Incan ruins, I call Eli out on acting aloof ever since we came back together after her 3 weeks at Yoga camp, and by the time we reach the top of Huana Picchu, she has broken up with me and planning on no longer coming to the workshop, and staying down in the Sacred Valley with her new spiritual community. She is also in correspondence with the volunteers at Tierra Mitica, who worked hard in convincing her to still come to the Mythic Voyage, for herself, that even if we aren’t together it will give us both clarity and allow us to separate in love and not confusion, but to come for her! She stops communication with them, and I start to digest the fact that we are over and I am going to the jungle alone, without my baby.

Eli joins me for a final breakfast smoothie in Pisac the morning i’m catching a bus back to Cusco to get on my flight to the jungle. She is acting strange as we spend our last moments talking about when and if we will see each other again, everything so surreal. I realize she hasn’t actually made the choice 100% to not come to the Mythic Voyage. I get excited and at the same time irritated that she is flip-flopping, playing games with my heart, but mostly I’m excited as this means I might still have a chance to be with her….IT MAY NOT BE OVER!!!

Our Mythic Voyage was a perceptual, physical, and emotional rollercoaster that was heavily centered around Eli and I’s relationship, our dynamic. We learned about the importance of polarity in a relationship, that in order to keep a strong sexual spark and connection, that there must be one defined as the masculine and one as the feminine to create an arc of polarity. Now, this does not mean that each partner does not possess both masculine and feminine energies and qualities, it just means that the masculine partner in a romantic relationship chooses to be the riverbed, and the feminine is the water that flows, guided, safely through. I didn’t care if I was the feminine or masculine, I just wanted to be with Eli, whatever it took. Learning that we are beings of choice, and that we are not victims of circumstance or chance, Eli decided to give it another shot with me, except she took the role of the mountain, the masculine, and I took the feminine. I remember laughing on the inside thinking that I was obviously the true masculine and she would figure this out sooner than later. Naturally as we had gained so much clarity about life, and ourselves we both decided that Tierra Mitica was the path for us, applied, and were both accepted into the volunteer program.

Eli and I started to do David Deida couple sessions immediately (the master of feminine and masculine polarity) to strengthen our relationship on all levels. It didn’t even last 2 weeks as I had predicted, and as we were doing a Deida breathing exercise in our room, Eli breaks down in tears as she feels in her body and has the realization that she wants to bear children, to be a mother. The switch is made again, Eli takes on the role of the feminine and flourishes as a flower, as we start to see her little girl come out and play more and more each day.

I also flourish in my role as the masculine, having huge fun being the macho, can-do-anything kinda guy. Getting my hands dirty on the maintenance team, learning carpentry, being the first at the truck when we get a supplies delivery, proving myself as an alpha-male in the community, and holding my woman in my arms each night as she fell asleep. I was so proud of Eli for letting go and embracing her femininity, but there was a small part of me that became jealous of her path, which caused me conflict and confusion inside. I remember all the girls decided to go into Tarapoto for “Pussyfest”, which is exactly what it sounds like; hair salon, shopping, getting dolled up for a fancy dinner, and then a night of dancing at the Peruvian discotheque. Watching them all hop in the truck excited to depart for Tarapoto, I felt left out and sad, but quickly brushed this off, manned up, and got ready for a night of steaks and sausages on the BBQ with the boys talking and laughing about how peaceful it was with the women gone, but deep down wishing I was with them.

Being Macho with the Boys

Eli and I go through some more up’s and downs, but after having a community meeting based around choice and true power, I decided with a huge smile upon my face and a wildly open heart, that I want to make the choice to have no other choice with Eli, I want to spend my life with her and ask her to be my wife. I am so excited and I write her a proposal song named “The Rescue” in no time. I wait for a celebration night close by, I have never been so nervous yet sure of anything in my life, and she can tell something is up for sure as I can’t even touch my dinner and am running to the bathroom every 5 minutes! I surprise her with it as the last song of our jungle family concert before everyone departs for bed, tears streaming from both our eyes, hearts connected like never before, I get down on one knee with a ring in my hand aaannnndddd….SHE SAYS YES!!!

We officially rescue each other from the evil dragon of not being good enough and have an absolutely magical symbolic shamanic wedding during the January 2017 Mythic Party, where my mom sings as Eli’s Dad walks her down the jungle aisle to my favourite spot in Tierra Mitica, Babushka ceremony floor, where I’m eagerly waiting to marry the woman of my dreams! She comes into candlelit view as she steps onto the floor, flowers in her hair and on her dress, smiling so softly at me, both our eyes lit up with love. It all felt so surreal, like a dream, and I couldn’t stop smiling as she took her place across from me. She is the most beautiful woman in the world, this is my truth, and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We promise ourselves to each other under the starry night sky and are shamanically tied by our teacher and dear friend Mikis Hasson in front of our friends and family.

How can it get any better than this? Life is gooooooooooood!

Everything was going so well, I had gotten everything I had ever dreamed of. I found my purpose in life, was growing as an artist in so many different mediums, a part of saving peoples lives, growing with a diverse and beautiful community, writing music, singing, learning to be a great leader, growing more solid in my role as the masculine, and I had gotten my woman, my best friend, my super sexy beloved to be my wife. We were on top of the world!

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started, but months later I started to slowly go down, the role of the masculine becoming heavy on my shoulders. I started to get confused, and I see now that I was actually becoming jealous of Eli’s process as she delved further and further into the feminine, jealous that she got to flow while I had to be the strong and immovable riverbed for us, which I was struggling with, severly. I knew how fucked up this was, that this is what I had chosen, and I began to fight even harder, pushing myself to be stronger, tougher, harder and harder on myself. I would be solid for a week, then I would become unstable again emotionally, so on and so forth. The worst thing was that Eli was always so strong, the masculine role came very easily to her, and when I was wavering, she would be the one to make me feel safe, make me feel that everything was going to be okay without words, just her energy. Although it came easily to her, it was a protection mechanism, a place where she could control everything in her life, and not be vulnerable. The truth was Eli was finding happiness in her true essence as the feminine.

I started rolling over at night after holding her till she fell asleep, and yearning for her to turn around and hold me. I began to collapse inside; my happiness was eroding more and more each day. I was so confused, if we really are beings of choice, I should be able to become the mountain, right? I was fighting this inner battle; terrified I would lose Eli if I couldn’t pull my shit together as the masculine. I was ecstatically in love with her, but nonetheless a process began in my heart as I watched the joy and freedom that this direction gave her, and a pain emerged that was buried deep inside me since childhood.

I was drowning.

I decided that enough was enough, I had hit a wall 6 months after our wedding, and I needed help, quick! So I went to speak with Mikis in his office, told him I wasn’t well, and that I wanted to be in the upcoming June, Choice Os workshop (without the use of Ayahuasca) as an Argonaut/participant. He gave me the challenge to show intention and finish my giant cement Eagle sculpture (which was just a metal frame at this point), install it proudly within the week, while working full days doing the metal structure for our new recording studio. There was no doubt in my mind; I was getting into this workshop. So I stayed up late every night in the art studio to make sure I not only finished the Eagle, but that it was a masterpiece! I finished the paint job on the Eagle the night before day 1 of the workshop, got all my brothers to help me install it proudly the next morning, and…

I was in!

I didn’t know what this workshop had in store for me (you never do), all I knew is that I wasn’t well, Eli and I’s relationship wasn’t moving forward anymore, and that I needed to figure out what was happening inside of me. It became evident very early on that my inner child, my little Jackie was screaming, that she didn’t want to be locked away as I threw away the key, and she was fighting for her life, tooth and nail. I’ve never been so scared, so fucked up in my entire life as I was for the first days of the workshop as I realized more and more what was happening to me, a ghost, fighting the inevitable. Fighting, screaming out loud “I DON’T WANT TO BE A FUCKING FLOWER!!!!”, and then collapsing into tears and shaking uncontrollably in my chair, a scared yet brave little girl in a corner. I wanted to run away, to die. I didn’t want to face a reality where Eli wasn’t my woman, and I became one…. but by day 4 it became clear…

I only wanted to be the masculine to be with Eli, and I was fighting my true essence as the feminine.

I remember the moment I finally made the choice to stop fighting, to relinquish the weight of the masculine, and to finally let go. I actually melted into the chair, feeling every muscle release tension, give way, and allowed the chair to just hold me. Everything grew quiet and still, I felt all the stress dissipate, and all I could feel was the calm softness of my breath and my tired body. I knew just from the reaction of my body and mind, that although it was the hardest, scariest, and most painful choice I have ever made in my entire life, that letting go of the masculine meant letting go of my Eli, and that it was the right one for both us. She had been called into the room a few times before this day, she knew what was going on and agreed that I needed to explore and figure it out, no matter how much it hurt, I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loves me and wants the best for herself and I. She was called into the session, I was a puddle in my chair, motionless as Mikis explained what was happening, and then we both decided together that we love each other so much that neither of us wants each other to sacrifice anything for this love. We want us both to find a path of complete fulfillment and happiness. Our marriage is not wasted, we truly lived, and are still living a Mythic Love Story. We rescued each other from the evil dragon of not being good enough, truly chose one another, and this process has helped us find our true selves, along with now knowing that our love can overcome any obstacle! Now that the thick cloud of shock is clearing, I know that truly nothing is lost, and can now see that so many more beautiful gifts and adventures are to come for us.

This is just the beginning, and she is my best friend.

After this monumental decision was made, we take a 3-hour break for Koala (my dear sister and Assistant in the workshop) to give me a make over. She chopped my hair off, died it, exchanged my flannels for some feminine clothing, and when I looked in the mirror at my new self, I was blown away and felt the shift 10 fold! This shit works, i’ve seen it time and time again when people come for workshops, make big choices and shifts for their lives, to see someone different in the mirror is necessary to move forward, and I had zero resistance to it. If I want to become a flower and truly feel it, I have to be ALL in, no matter what it takes.

For the rest of the workshop I explored deeper into places I used to resist going and learned/felt many new things. Some of the biggest actually admitting to myself that I yearned to be held, that I want to be rescued by a strong man, allow myself to be vulnerable, being open to and feeling for the first time the reality that I could actually be with a man and that a man could actually be crazy about me (since I didn’t think this was possible as I created a belief that boys were gross and had no interest in me from a young age to protect myself), that I want to be a woman, a flowing gorgeous flower on the inside and out, to embrace my femininity to the fullest, to let go and to truly put myself first for the first time in my life, and last but certainly not least, I learned that I really do want to be a mother, to have children of my own, which I NEVER allowed myself to feel or even contemplate before.

HUGE REALIZATIONS, HUGE CLARITY!

This is a rebirth for me. I’m taking my first steps in the world as a woman, learning to truly feel myself, to slow things down and take in the beauty of all the little details around me, and put myself first. Now don’t get me wrong, some mornings I wake up and i’m scared shitless of the unknown, of all the changes and for a second I just want everything to go back to the way it was, but then I go pick a leaf or flower from my jungle backyard, take deep breaths, stop mind-fucking, make an offering of gratitude to my alter, and remind myself to trust my choices. Cause life is change baby, and I’m tired of living from a place of fear and anxiety about all the “what if’s?”. I just want to be happy, I deserve to be happy, AND I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE HAPPY!

Here’s to being one brave motherfucker!

Yours truly,

Jackie
xo

It’s Supposed to be Fun